On Refugees and Migrants

One of the profoundly unsettling consequences of global communication and social media is the way it shatters our illusions about how compassionate we are and shines a spotlight on our own selfishness and impotence.  The entire world was heartbroken at the sight of two drowned boys and a despairing father from Syria, but our despair seems to have no outlet, no path to right these horrible wrongs or to prevent them from happening over and over again.

We donate money to various aid organizations, but this tiny gesture seems sadly anemic in the face of the horrific political and military forces that shatter the lives of so many human beings.  Is it our fate to become inured to the misery that this world so often causes, to close off our hearts in an effort to shield ourselves from pangs of conscience?  Can we assuage our guilt with modest sympathetic declarations and monetary contributions?

It is particularly frustrating that years of economic development and steady improvement of living conditions can be wiped out in a few months by a despot or a rogue militia group.  The world looks on in helpless outrage, but short of sending in ground troops and undertaking major military operations – an operation that few are willing or able to undertake after the lessons of Iraq and Afghanistan – there is almost nothing to be done other than to try to be compassionate to the desperate souls who flee.

We try to distinguish between refugees and migrants, but I would argue that when we look deeply at the causes, these descriptions become a distinction without a difference.  In theory, a refugee is someone fleeing because it is no longer safe for them to remain in their country.  A migrant is someone who is ‘merely’ seeking a better life – migrating to a more prosperous country than the one they inhabited.

But both refugees and migrants are risking their lives and what little fortune they have managed to accumulate in the same desperate and dangerous voyage.  And they are both almost always the victims of corrupt political systems that have squandered the country’s economic resources, or of anarchic, civil war conditions that make normal commerce impossible to sustain.  Almost all of the significant migrations are in the end the result of politics and/or war – Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, Ethiopia, Mali, Sudan, even Mexico and Central America.

Is a migrant with no opportunity to improve his life so different from a refugee fleeing for his?  If you cannot put food on the table in your native land and have no hope for improvement because of years of political corruption or civil war, is your quest for a new life any less worthy than that of a person whose life is similarly devastated but perhaps in more immediate danger?

The statue of liberty and Ellis Island stand as symbols of America’s long history of accepting immigrants and transforming them into the engine of the U.S. economy.  But these immigrants were never really ‘welcomed’, were they?  Every immigrant group that came to these shores suffered tremendous hardship and prejudice – the Irish, the Germans, the Jews, the Italians, the Chinese and so on.  There were always concerns that the ‘pure’ nature of American society would somehow be diminished by these ‘hordes’ of new citizens. Yet we prospered by the infusion, and still do.

As long as the gulf in this world between rich and poor nations is so large and the incidence of mayhem and war so great, there will be large movements of people willing or forced to risk all to find a better life.  And it is only human that those who are already enjoying the peace and prosperity of a favored land will jealously guard their treasure and good fortune from new aspirants.

But sadly, this refugee and migrant crisis is now even more complex because of an increasing skepticism by many that assimilation is not really occurring for many ethnic and religious groups, and that countries willing to host them are taking a risk for future conflict and possible terrorism within their borders.

Germany has been the rare example of a courageous voice for setting aside suspicions and reservations to do the right thing.  It is an historical irony, but an inspiring one, that the country whose past was the very essence of ethnic purity and intolerance is now the leading advocate for humane and charitable treatment of the many different groups looking toward it as a beacon of hope.

In the end we must all overcome our fears and doubts and welcome the stranger if we aspire to our better natures and a better world.  For we are the fortunate ones who won the random lottery of birth and circumstance.  In no situation it is more accurately stated: there but for the grace of God go I.  But it will require all of the humanity that we can muster to embrace the spirit of the poem that adorns our Statue of Liberty: 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Vanity, Envy and Competition Part 3

We have talked about how vanity and insecurity are the poles of our daily wrestling with our ego, and about how our unquenchable thirst for praise drives it all.  We are creatures that need to be loved, and we can only imagine being loved if we are praiseworthy.

But what about unconditional love?  Doesn’t almost every religion and every self-help philosophy stress the concept of unconditional love or self-worth?  Aren’t we told that we are beautiful creatures who deserve to be loved regardless of our faults and weaknesses, independent of our achievements, wealth and fame?  Of course we are, but do we believe it?

How can we possibly believe it when we are assaulted on every front by the merciless score keeping of the culture around us?  Intellectually and rationally we may convince ourselves in a quiet moment that the world’s values are wrong, that we should be content with our lives and ourselves, that God loves us equally.  But the reassuring tranquility of that moment vanishes in a heartbeat when the long-cultivated habits of our striving are awakened by a simple pretentious comment from an acquaintance or a quick perusal of one’s class notes in a college alumni magazine.

Expressing one’s vanity is sometimes viewed very positively.  We call it self-confidence.  But there is a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance.  An athlete can be a little bit ‘cocky’, but too much is considered bad form.  The line has been drawn ever farther on the side of cockiness since Muhammad Ali declared to anyone who would listen (and isn’t it amazing how we all did!) that he was the greatest.  I remember the old bromide ‘no brag just fact’, which supposedly justified bragging when one was truly capable.  But why brag even then?  Who really cares and what is one accomplishing?

Expressions of cockiness and other less attractive forms of braggadocio seem mostly to reek of insecurity and a desperate need for praise.  In our society bragging has been elevated to an art form, often best described as pretentiousness.  Its subtleties are mastered over a lifetime, though it is a skill that in the end gives only the most tenuous of pleasures and often leaves one feeling disgusted with oneself.

But we also prize humility, which is in itself a very elusive quality.  The minute we seek humility, it often eludes us.  For in seeking humility we may succumb to the temptation of feeling superior to others who are not so humble!  One of my favorite joke-illustrations is the story of the two priests praying at the altar in the church.  The senior priest prays out loud ‘Have mercy upon me, Lord, I am nothing . . .’.  The younger priest, much affected by the older priest’s humility cries out ‘And have mercy upon me, Lord, for I too am nothing’.  In the back of the church, a janitor who has witnessed the prayers of these great men of God falls to his knees and joins in ‘And upon me, Lord, for I am also nothing.’   The younger Priest looks at the older Priest, rolling his eyes and says ‘Look who thinks he’s nothing!’

The quality of true humility must be almost an unconscious attribute, or at least one must be exceedingly careful in adorning oneself with it.  Vanity often cloaks itself with humility.  If the quest for humility is to avoid the endless sparring of social bragging and to pull away from all the nonsense of comparisons, then it is indeed a ‘consolation devoutly to be wished’.  But beware, soon your friends will be describing you as humble.  Then you may find that you are inwardly thrilled to be praised in such a manner and make the sad discovery that your humility has fled!

Demagoguery, Anger and Politics

I have often wondered what it was like to live in Germany during the late 1920’s and early 1930’s, to see the tentacles of Nazism wrap themselves around daily life and begin to control all social and political discourse.  We see Hitler and his henchmen as such evil and detestable characters today that it is difficult for us to imagine how they could have seized power in one of the most educated and sophisticated countries in the world.

Was Hitler a ridiculous figure at first to most people?  Did everyone find his ravings amusing and good fodder for parody?  At what point did people become aware that his following was growing rapidly and that his brown shirts were a real and terrifying force?  Did ordinary people shrug their shoulders and acknowledge that Hitler had tapped into a deep anger and frustration, never thinking that he might actually force his way into the halls of power?  At what point did they begin to realize that this was not just humorous political theater?

Donald Trump leads the polls for the Republican nomination.  When he announced his candidacy, politicians on the left and right smiled patronizingly and predicted that he would provide good entertainment, but certainly no serious threat.  Recently, Jeb Bush acknowledged that Trump was ‘tapping into anti-establishment anger’, but his campaign staff is apparently delighted by Trump’s strong showing, believing that the more successful and poisonous Trump is, the more Jeb will be cast as the ‘serious’ antidote candidate.

What is all this anger about anyway?  Political issues have always sparked emotional responses, but the anger and the paranoia these days seem to be at fever pitch.  Are people angry about the economy, about slow job growth?  Well, certainly the economy could be better and there are not enough middle class jobs, but the economy doesn’t seem to be in the kind of horrible shape that would cause deep anger.  Is the anger all about our foreign affairs?  Does anyone think there are easy answers to the morass of international issues any administration faces?  Perhaps the anger is about social issues - gay rights, promiscuity, religion or abortion?  Or perhaps about the changing face of America – the immigration of Hispanic, Asian and African people, legal or illegal.  But all of this seems manageable, not justifying the very visceral anger that seems to lurk under the surface across America.

It is almost as though people enjoy being angry, even about issues that are abstractions and far removed from their daily lives and pleasures; that there is an insidious temptation to look for the dark side and revel in rumors of plots, conspiracies and apocalyptic events.  I have seen blogs and comments that indicate an unfeigned joy at the thought of armed struggle in the United States.  Over what?!!

I suspect that identifying with a demagogue and his or her associated causes is a way to find meaning in an otherwise banal and uneventful life.  It is a means to deflect self-hatred or regret and to aim this energy and fury at perceived enemies.   It is also a way to escape the relentless change that our society is undergoing and the huge effort required, both intellectual and emotional, for people to adjust – the change in our cultural identity, the change in technology, the change in sexual mores, the change in employment models, etc. etc.

It seems alarmist to worry about a Nazi type of demagoguery and anger taking hold in the U.S. today.  We have a long history of peaceful political dialogue that resists violence even when tempers and passions are at meter pegging levels.  But is it really that far-fetched?  It is difficult to discern whether Donald Trump is a harmless buffoon or a dangerous megalomaniac.  People who are so certain of themselves and so unwilling to accept ambiguity and nuance in the world are unpredictable.

I take comfort in the fact that most likely Donald Trump will self-destruct in the coming months and be recognized by the good American people for the blowhard that he is.  But there is just enough charisma in the man and just enough wingnuts in the land to make one wonder whether this could be the beginning of a very strange and very frightening odyssey.

Vanity, Envy and Competition Part 2

Freud introduced a model of the psyche that was based on concepts of the id, ego and super-ego.  The id is defined as the primal, instinctual desires and impulses that every human being has.  The ego acts to mediate between the id and reality.  Freud said the ego is like a man on horseback, controlling the superior power of the id based on real circumstances and needs.  The super-ego is similar to conscience, an internalization of cultural rules and standards that is developed over time. The ego must balance the id and super-ego, thus careening from passion to guilt to joy to sorrow.

When we speak of egotism, we recognize that in our most primitive state we are focused on our own needs and desires.  Even with the modifying influences of the super-ego and the social contract that our environment imposes, we cannot help but be egotistical to some degree.  But why does this egotism so often express itself in competition or comparison to others, and why do our self-image and contentment become so entangled in those comparisons?

As infants we are trained to seek approval and affirmation.  We squeal in delight as our parents lavish praise upon us – ‘What a good baby!’, ‘What a smart baby!’, ‘Look at you crawling!’, ‘Look at you talking!’ and on and on.  We learn to equate praise with love.  To be loved is to be happy, therefore to be praised is to be happy. And so it begins.

At first, this praise is focused on individual achievement that is unrelated to other human beings.  But soon enough our parents, teachers, coaches and others begin to praise us for being better than someone else – the best grade in the class, the best time in the 100m freestyle, the one who scored the goal, the one who solved the puzzle, the pretty one, the sexy one (well, that comes a little later one would hope!)

Eventually, the pleasure of praise becomes an addiction.  When this praise is not as fluidly forthcoming as it was in early childhood, our ego seeks out implicit praise by establishing our own internal evaluations that we must constantly validate.  Even if we are not explicitly praised by others, we assume that they are praising us if we are smarter, faster, better looking, have better clothes, have a nicer car, have a higher paying job, go to a better school.

Our culture heaps praise on the winners.  Even once we are beyond the tender, innocent praise of our parents, the monster of our addiction grows unfettered as every facet of our lives is weighed in the scale of cultural significance and we are assigned our rank.

Where our parents’ guileless indoctrination leaves off, the media and the culture take over.  Every magazine, movie and television image tempts us with comparisons – do we have the right clothes, the right car, the right house?  Do we eat at the best restaurants, do we vacation at the best locations, are our careers noteworthy? 

Most of consumer advertising is based on producing a feeling of inadequacy that must be transformed into contentment by the acquisition of various material items.  But even non-advertising media tend to reinforce society’s valuation of people based on comparisons.

As infants, we strive to grow and learn from instinct and a native curiosity.  But as we grow older, our efforts become more goal driven, and often that goal is to garner accolades from some quarter or to attain some measure of status.  We may play a sport because we love the game, but once success comes, the relentless practice and ambition is certainly motivated in part by a desire for renown and praise. 

In many of our endeavors, it is difficult to separate our own joy in an activity from the desire to be acclaimed for our efforts.  And the more acclaim we receive the more we need it.  It is truly an addiction.  We see it again and again with the most successful and famous.  Does Donald Trump want to become President because of an altruistic desire to help the nation?  Don’t make me laugh!  His vanity compels him!  He is not content to be one of the richest men on earth because the addiction he has is even larger than his wealth.

Vanity is defined by Webster as excessive pride in one’s appearance, qualities, abilities or achievements.  I would modify this definition by taking out the word excessive.  All pride for oneself is vanity.  Being happy or content with one’s appearance, achievements, etc. is fine. But to me the word pride implies a comparison with others.  And once that act of comparison begins, where does it end?

Our vanity is not just a pleasure-seeking mechanism.  It is also a futile attempt to avoid the discomfort of our insecurity.  Vanity and insecurity are the ying and yang of our daily social interactions and internal struggles.  We are locked in an unending pendulum swing from one to the other.

The irony of vanity is that from a rational point of view it makes almost no sense.  What we are praising and seeking and feeling is for the most part a purely random act of nature.  Have you ever noticed that one of the highest forms of praise is:  ‘He got an A on that test and he didn’t even have to study!’, or ‘He is an incredible natural athlete!’  How absurd!!  If he didn’t study, then his achievement is solely on the basis of his native intelligence, which was an accident of birth.  The same is true of the natural athlete.  We are celebrating luck!  There is no merit here, only a fact of genetics.

So much of our vanity centers on natural endowment – beauty, intelligence, athleticism. Even such traits as energy, ambition, and drive are probably heavily influenced by our genetic makeup.  Yet we celebrate them and seek acknowledgement of our good fortune in the thousand interactions where we subtly or explicitly proclaim our accomplishments.

Is there human activity that is not sullied by the curse of vanity?  Of course!  Fortunately, there are many moments where we are liberated from this vicious cycle and can revel in the joys of this world.  But sadly the effects are prone to hang over us like a dark cloud and plague us in the quiet moments when we contemplate our life’s value and meaning.

Vanity, Envy and Competition - Part 1

“I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.” 

This verse from Ecclesiastes, ostensibly written by King Solomon, is a pretty complete dismissal of mankind’s striving.  The fact that Solomon, who had achieved so much in his life, was so cynical about human effort, is pretty sobering.

Not long after I started college something focused my attention on the large role that vanity plays in our lives and I have been in equal parts fascinated and horrified by it ever since.

In writing this little piece of analysis, I am somewhat fearful of exposing myself as a terribly vain and insecure person, but I am fairly certain that I am not unusual in this regard, so I will take the risk.  After all, Solomon is pretty good company!

I had grown up in the heart of the 60’s and my high school years were a far cry from today’s cauldron of competition and egomania.  Few of my classmates worried about grades and we certainly didn’t talk about them. Even the dreaded SAT’s were fairly low key.  We were more worried about the Vietnam War than getting into college and we focused much of our energy and thoughts on the social changes around us.

Now of course no adolescence is complete without the ‘thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to’ during this period – the social hierarchy and posturing, the gain and loss of friends, the athletic competition and so on.  But I do believe my generation’s experience, particularly in the realm of competition and pressure, is a cakewalk in comparison with the gauntlet that today’s youth must run.

However, when I went off to Stanford (okay, already a pretentious remark – this is, after all, a piece about vanity!) in 1972 I soon encountered a much more obvious strain of vanity than I had experienced before.  And I say this believing strongly that the Stanford of my day cannot hold a candle to the super citadel of ego that Stanford is today (see my blog entry on Stepford University - http://www.rvgeiger.blogspot.com/2014/11/stepford-university.html - for more on that!).

My classmates were subtly (and occasionally, quite brazenly) probing one another for details on SAT scores, family wealth, travel experiences and a host of other scoring factors to determine the relative pecking order.  Even drug experiences and joint-rolling prowess could potentially establish one’s superiority or uniqueness in a group that was filled with super achievers.

This is not to say that we spent all of our time engaging in such nonsense.  But it happened often enough that it made an impression on me.  I found myself envying some of my fellow students their wealth or social position.  Some could speak foreign languages and I soon felt inadequate in this arena.  I was repulsed by the posturing whenever I encountered it, but I found that I was not above subtly bragging when the opportunity came my way. 

Yet the irony was that bragging and pretension did not produce a positive feeling in either the bragger or the reluctant recipient.  Why then, were we so apt to engage in it? What possible benefit were we deriving?  What horrible psychological problem was at the root of it all?

And thus began my investigation into the complex web of vanity, envy and competition that is both the curse and the driving force for much of human endeavor.  I am not quite vain enough to believe that I have anything unique or definitive to say on the subject, but I have done enough thinking in this area to pose some interesting questions for my readers to ponder.  More to come.

The Insolence of Time

When I was a young boy I was playing football with a group of friends on a lush lawn covered with leaves one autumn afternoon.  I was experiencing such immense joy.  As the light began to fade, I wanted so badly to keep playing and to somehow have time suspended so that this incredibly fun game would not have to end.  But of course it did end . . .

Time is the merciless master of our lives.  Omar Khayam, the Persian poet, expresses the painful fact in a beautiful way:

“The moving finger writes, and having writ,

moves on, nor all thy piety nor wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line

Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it”

Sometimes I want to cry out in frustration at the relentless nature of time.  Each moment experienced, then gone, never to be re-captured.  We are told to live life in the present or the moment, but the moment goes so quickly, often before we can even understand its import.  We are left with a memory, which then also proceeds to slowly fade away.

Of course sometimes the passage of time is of comfort – a trauma or a sadness that becomes less acute, less painful as the memory of it ebbs.  If time did not pass and memories fade, then the heartache and tragedies of this world would be unbearable.

When I am trying to rein in my eating and become more disciplined, I play a game and remind myself that the act of eating will only last a few moments and then the taste and the pleasure will only be a memory - hardly worth all the calories!  I am often successful in this little trick, but it has the nasty side effect of making me rather depressed.

Most human beings don’t focus on this transitory aspect of our lives other than to vaguely acknowledge it.  To dissect time too fervently is a philosopher’s habit and it can only lead to an unsettling malaise.

We speak in abstract terms about time as a fourth dimension, and of the space-time continuum.  Movies and books depict time travel and we are allowed to envision time as a kind of real-life video, with rewind, fast-forward and pause functions at our fingertips.  Would it be pleasurable to re-experience our lives whenever we wished to do so; to go back to wonderful moments and savor the emotions and the feelings exactly as they first occurred?  Not to change them, but simply to enjoy the experience again?  I don’t know.  The repeated re-living of an event might backfire, make it mundane.

Memories are interesting.  At first they are so vivid – almost as if one is experiencing the moment rather than simply observing it in one’s mind.  But as time goes on it becomes more difficult to summon that same feeling.  In the end, a memory becomes a story, and we are not entirely certain whether something actually happened or we have just been telling ourselves the story for so long that it seems real!  We can no longer ‘envision’ the event itself or see it in our mind’s eye.

The reason people identify with the ‘live in the moment’ adage is the sad fact that we spend so much of our lives either reminiscing or looking forward to something that will happen in the future.  But living in the moment is not easy!  The mind is a restless nomad.  If one’s mind is idle for even a few seconds, it will wander to the past or the future.  It takes great discipline to focus on the ‘moment’ unless one is busily invested in some activity that prevents one’s mind from wandering.  And if the mind is busy in that pursuit, is it really consciously living in the ‘moment’ – aware of its pleasurable state?  Tis a paradox!

The unyielding, forward-moving nature of time is particularly distressing for those of us whose lives are more than half spent and hurtling inexorably toward the great abyss!  And to make matters worse, time accelerates in a most unpleasant matter with age.  We want to scream out “SLOW DOWN!”, but we know it is futile.  So we try to derive what pleasure we can from fading memories and limited anticipations, as our bodies decay in a most undignified manner.  Well, I guess that is a bit melodramatic.

I will confess that overall my life has been quite joyful.  I am grateful beyond words for the majority of what I have experienced and hopeful for the years I have remaining.  But I will say that TIME is confusing and a bit frustrating, and, when I think deeply upon it, downright unsettling.

Sex

Is it just me becoming more conservative with age, or does it seem somewhat absurd to describe a film or play or TV show that probes ever deeper into our sexual lives as ‘courageous’ or ‘groundbreaking’?  Hasn't the ground been pretty much broken, pulverized even?  Is there really any risk in the entertainment industry these days in creating a sexually provocative work?

I am no advocate for censorship or a return to the repressive times of yesteryear.  And I recognize that much good has come from the sexual revolution of the past fifty years.  Open discussion and awareness of sexual issues, techniques and feelings have contributed to a much healthier approach to sexuality.  The pendulum has indeed swung dramatically from the conservative mores of the post-WW2 era and even more from those of the Victorian age.

But perhaps the pendulum swing has now lingered at the extreme of sexual obsession.  From Freud to Madison Avenue, sex has been elevated to a dominant place in our lives. There is almost nothing in our cultural landscape that does not rely heavily on bold references to sex.    What are the implications of that saturation, and how do we regard sex in the 21^st century?

For most cultures through the ages, sex was viewed as closely related to procreation and marriage.  Both religious and cultural mores regarded sexual promiscuity as dangerous and immoral, and strongly prohibited adultery, often applying capital punishment to violations.  Sexual desire was acknowledged, but seen as a weakness of the flesh.  Of course there was always a contradictory and often hypocritical approach to sexuality by religious leaders and other authority figures.  Even today we find that many who strongly lament the degradation of societal morality end up in the news because of a lurid affair.

But then came the sexual revolution, launched in part by the availability of much better birth control methods and the woman’s liberation movement.  It shattered some of the more repressive taboos and allowed a healthier and more open dialogue on sexuality.  With men and women putting off marriage until their twenties or later, the notion of pre-marital celibacy seems antiquated and a recipe for mass frustration.  It also makes sense for a couple to test their sexual compatibility before committing to a long term relationship.

Recent polls have indicated that abstinence before marriage is a rare thing, with most men and women averaging 8 or more sexual partners before settling on a single partner. 

But like many things, once an absolute is abandoned, the question of where to draw the line is a tricky one.  If one believes that some sort of a relationship is a pre-requisite for physical intimacy, then what criteria make sense?  Is ten dates a relationship, or will one really good date suffice!  There is no easy formula, and it seems that for most people the level of relationship required diminishes rapidly as they notch more conquests on their belts!

After all, sex is pleasurable, even when there is no love or commitment or trust or slow buildup of a relationship. And it is an amazingly strong impulse. So in the last 50 years since the sexual revolution started one might claim that it has become acceptable to view sex as a recreational activity, like any other pleasurable activity.

It is an interesting question to ask oneself: Can sex be viewed as a purely physical activity and enjoyed without worrying about feelings or relationships or commitment?  Is the association of sex and love a relic of the repressive past?  Or can sex be both things – an amusing act of whimsy for purely physical stimulation in one instance, and a passionate, deeply felt act of intimacy in another?

If we accept the idea that sex can be purely a recreational activity, then is it not a logical next step to continue to have sexual encounters with other people even when one is in a relationship?  It is interesting that despite what appears to be a relentless move toward more indiscriminate pre-marital intimacies, there is still a prevailing rejection of the open relationship or marriage. Couples seem to be willing to ignore the past peccadilloes of their partners, even while often having to socialize with some of their mate’s prior bedfellows, but they draw the line at new improprieties once they are married or in a serious relationship.

Is this last restriction a legacy of the repressive sexual mores of the past, likely to be swept aside by a final wave of erotic emancipation?  Or is there some deeply embedded awareness in us that our sexual freedom has limitations, and that sex is not quite the same as playing a spirited game of tennis?  I have done no research, but I have seen anecdotal reports on communes and other attempts at open marriage, and they seem to have generally self-destructed.

Thus, like so many of the issues that we wrestle with in our human condition, sex is probably best handled (so to speak) with a fine degree of balance.  The Apollonian and Dionysian impulses are antithetical, but a certain harmony or synthesis can be constructed.

A number of years ago there was a pop song ‘Kiss Me’ with the chorus:

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor, lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

At a time when lyrics are portraying love in increasingly raw sexual terms and images, I find the romance and simplicity of this song about a kiss enchanting.  I guess I have become a bit sentimental!