It is ironic, although certainly not entirely unexpected,
that the final nail in Donald Trump’s coffin will be driven in by a legion of
women coming out with stories of groping, harassment and unwanted sexual
advances by the Republican nominee for president. Ironic, because the Republican Party
considered itself well established as the party holding the moral high road
after Bill Clinton’s sexual misconduct.
And not entirely unexpected, because any fool could have predicted from
first glimpse of ‘the Donald’ that his past must be a veritable treasure trove
of sexual improprieties.
This may go down as the year when society finally became fully
aware of the extent of sexual predation in our social interactions. From the Stanford swimmer who was caught
attempting intercourse with an almost unconscious woman to the army of sports
figures and celebrities who are implicated in rape and domestic violence, to
Mr. Trump and his incredible hot mike recording with Billy Bush. After this recording went viral, millions of
women came forward with stories of their own encounters with sexual predators.
Sexual predation is clearly more about power and control
than it is about sex. Most men have strong
sex drives. But a normal, healthy sex
drive is oriented around mutual attraction, affection and consent. A healthy, well-adjusted man may desire an
attractive woman he encounters, but he would never make an overt sexual gesture
such as kissing, touching or even verbally suggesting sexual activity unless he
received a clear signal that the woman is a willing participant. Indeed, the
quickest way to turn off a normal man is to show indifference, contempt or
resistance to his sexual interest. This should
douse the flames immediately.
Any sort of pleasure that a man feels in forcing a sexual
encounter is out of the realm of normal sexual behavior. It is the perverse pleasure of a bully or a
psychopath. It is the sad expression of
some serious psychological flaw.
When a man forces a kiss or gropes a woman’s breast or
vagina, or even propositions her, it is a pathetic attempt to overcome
feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. It
is the expression of a frantic need to be powerful and in control. It has little or nothing to do with sexuality
in any healthy sense, but rather is exploiting a sexual urge to establish
dominance. It is conflating a healthy
human desire with a sordid, perverse need to produce a toxic, anti-social
action.
So called ‘locker room’ talk is something every man
encounters. Some participate and some do
not. It occurs most often in one’s
youth, in gym class or on sports teams, hence the term locker room. For the most part it consists of boys talking
in sexist terms about girls’ looks and bodies, and speculation or even bragging
(often on a fictional basis!) about sexual activity in raw language.
But in my experience it does not include talk of sexual
predation. I cannot recall boys or men
bragging about how they could force themselves on women or do things without
their consent. Even in my time in the
Navy on a submarine where sexual banter was endemic, I rarely heard men
describe forcing themselves on women. And
when they did, their comments were greeted with an awkward silence. The majority of men know the boundaries.
This is not to say that men in general are not guilty of rampant
objectification of women and misogynistic comments about them. But there is a difference between predatory
speech and typical male buffoonery.
Some will say that women invite sexual advances by dressing
provocatively or emphasizing their breasts or other anatomical features. It is certainly true that men find sexy
outfits titillating. But to imply that
unsolicited sexual overtures are justified by any type of appearance is totally
absurd.
Have men so little self-control or discipline that they
cannot contain themselves in the presence of an attractive or even provocatively-dressed
woman? This seems to be the conclusion
that society long held and that certain cultures still hold today regarding
female attire and this is why historically women all over the world have been
forced to wrap themselves from head to toe outside of the home.
Blame will also be placed at the foot of our more
permissive, sexually liberated society.
This is surely specious reasoning, as predatory sexual behavior has been
around for all of human history, and may even have been worse before women
gained some level of liberation and power.
Sex is no longer a taboo topic, hidden behind closed doors fueling
massive neuroses throughout society. Its
liberation may cause some degree of discomfort and has certainly challenged our
way of dealing with it, but there is nothing in the new openness of sexuality
that justifies sexual misconduct.
It is now time for men to draw clear lines around acceptable
sexual behavior, and more importantly, to communicate to other men that they
will no longer laugh at predatory language or jokes, or shrug off the claims or
bragging of the predators themselves.
Silence is equivalent to approval.
Sexuality is a beautiful and exciting part of life, but like many
beautiful things, it must be protected from toxic and malevolent forces.
