Freud introduced a model of the psyche that was based on
concepts of the id, ego and super-ego.
The id is defined as the primal, instinctual desires and impulses that
every human being has. The ego acts to
mediate between the id and reality.
Freud said the ego is like a man on horseback, controlling the superior
power of the id based on real circumstances and needs. The super-ego is similar to conscience, an
internalization of cultural rules and standards that is developed over time.
The ego must balance the id and super-ego, thus careening from passion to guilt
to joy to sorrow.
When we speak of egotism, we recognize that in our most
primitive state we are focused on our own needs and desires. Even with the modifying influences of the
super-ego and the social contract that our environment imposes, we cannot help
but be egotistical to some degree. But
why does this egotism so often express itself in competition or comparison to
others, and why do our self-image and contentment become so entangled in those
comparisons?
As infants we are trained to seek approval and
affirmation. We squeal in delight as our
parents lavish praise upon us – ‘What a good baby!’, ‘What a smart baby!’,
‘Look at you crawling!’, ‘Look at you talking!’ and on and on. We learn to equate praise with love. To be loved is to be happy, therefore to be
praised is to be happy. And so it begins.
At first, this praise is focused on individual achievement
that is unrelated to other human beings.
But soon enough our parents, teachers, coaches and others begin to
praise us for being better than someone else – the best grade in the class, the
best time in the 100m freestyle, the one who scored the goal, the one who
solved the puzzle, the pretty one, the sexy one (well, that comes a little
later one would hope!)
Eventually, the pleasure of praise becomes an
addiction. When this praise is not as
fluidly forthcoming as it was in early childhood, our ego seeks out implicit
praise by establishing our own internal evaluations that we must constantly
validate. Even if we are not explicitly
praised by others, we assume that they are praising us if we are smarter,
faster, better looking, have better clothes, have a nicer car, have a higher
paying job, go to a better school.
Our culture heaps praise on the winners. Even once we are beyond the tender, innocent
praise of our parents, the monster of our addiction grows unfettered as every
facet of our lives is weighed in the scale of cultural significance and we are
assigned our rank.
Where our parents’ guileless indoctrination leaves off, the
media and the culture take over. Every
magazine, movie and television image tempts us with comparisons – do we have
the right clothes, the right car, the right house? Do we eat at the best restaurants, do we
vacation at the best locations, are our careers noteworthy?
Most of consumer advertising is based on producing a feeling
of inadequacy that must be transformed into contentment by the acquisition of
various material items. But even
non-advertising media tend to reinforce society’s valuation of people based on
comparisons.
As infants, we strive to grow and learn from instinct and a
native curiosity. But as we grow older,
our efforts become more goal driven, and often that goal is to garner accolades
from some quarter or to attain some measure of status. We may play a sport because we love the game,
but once success comes, the relentless practice and ambition is certainly
motivated in part by a desire for renown and praise.
In many of our endeavors, it is difficult to separate our
own joy in an activity from the desire to be acclaimed for our efforts. And the more acclaim we receive the more we
need it. It is truly an addiction. We see it again and again with the most
successful and famous. Does Donald Trump
want to become President because of an altruistic desire to help the
nation? Don’t make me laugh! His vanity compels him! He is not content to be one of the richest
men on earth because the addiction he has is even larger than his wealth.
Vanity is defined by Webster as excessive pride in one’s
appearance, qualities, abilities or achievements. I would modify this definition by taking out
the word excessive. All pride for
oneself is vanity. Being happy or
content with one’s appearance, achievements, etc. is fine. But to me the word
pride implies a comparison with others.
And once that act of comparison begins, where does it end?
Our vanity is not just a pleasure-seeking mechanism. It is also a futile attempt to avoid the
discomfort of our insecurity. Vanity and
insecurity are the ying and yang of our daily social interactions and internal
struggles. We are locked in an unending pendulum
swing from one to the other.
The irony of vanity is that from a rational point of view it
makes almost no sense. What we are
praising and seeking and feeling is for the most part a purely random act of
nature. Have you ever noticed that one
of the highest forms of praise is: ‘He got
an A on that test and he didn’t even have to study!’, or ‘He is an incredible
natural athlete!’ How absurd!! If he didn’t study, then his achievement is
solely on the basis of his native intelligence, which was an accident of
birth. The same is true of the natural
athlete. We are celebrating luck! There is no merit here, only a fact of
genetics.
So much of our vanity centers on natural endowment – beauty,
intelligence, athleticism. Even such traits as energy, ambition, and drive are
probably heavily influenced by our genetic makeup. Yet we celebrate them and seek
acknowledgement of our good fortune in the thousand interactions where we
subtly or explicitly proclaim our accomplishments.
Is there human activity that is not sullied by the curse of
vanity? Of course! Fortunately, there are many moments where we
are liberated from this vicious cycle and can revel in the joys of this world. But sadly the effects are prone to hang over
us like a dark cloud and plague us in the quiet moments when we contemplate our
life’s value and meaning.
