We have talked about how vanity and insecurity are the poles
of our daily wrestling with our ego, and about how our unquenchable thirst for praise
drives it all. We are creatures that
need to be loved, and we can only imagine being loved if we are praiseworthy.
But what about unconditional love? Doesn’t almost every religion and every
self-help philosophy stress the concept of unconditional love or self-worth? Aren’t we told that we are beautiful
creatures who deserve to be loved regardless of our faults and weaknesses, independent
of our achievements, wealth and fame? Of
course we are, but do we believe it?
How can we possibly believe it when we are assaulted on
every front by the merciless score keeping of the culture around us? Intellectually and rationally we may convince
ourselves in a quiet moment that the world’s values are wrong, that we should
be content with our lives and ourselves, that God loves us equally. But the reassuring tranquility of that moment
vanishes in a heartbeat when the long-cultivated habits of our striving are awakened
by a simple pretentious comment from an acquaintance or a quick perusal of one’s
class notes in a college alumni magazine.
Expressing one’s vanity is sometimes viewed very positively. We call it self-confidence. But there is a fine line between
self-confidence and arrogance. An
athlete can be a little bit ‘cocky’, but too much is considered bad form. The line has been drawn ever farther on the
side of cockiness since Muhammad Ali declared to anyone who would listen (and
isn’t it amazing how we all did!) that he was the greatest. I remember the old bromide ‘no brag just fact’,
which supposedly justified bragging when one was truly capable. But why brag even then? Who really cares and what is one
accomplishing?
Expressions of cockiness and other less attractive forms of braggadocio
seem mostly to reek of insecurity and a desperate need for praise. In our society bragging has been elevated to
an art form, often best described as pretentiousness. Its subtleties are mastered over a lifetime,
though it is a skill that in the end gives only the most tenuous of pleasures
and often leaves one feeling disgusted with oneself.
But we also prize humility, which is in itself a very elusive
quality. The minute we seek humility, it
often eludes us. For in seeking humility
we may succumb to the temptation of feeling superior to others who are not so
humble! One of my favorite
joke-illustrations is the story of the two priests praying at the altar in the church. The senior priest prays out loud ‘Have mercy
upon me, Lord, I am nothing . . .’. The
younger priest, much affected by the older priest’s humility cries out ‘And
have mercy upon me, Lord, for I too am nothing’. In the back of the church, a janitor who has
witnessed the prayers of these great men of God falls to his knees and joins in
‘And upon me, Lord, for I am also nothing.’
The younger Priest looks at the older Priest, rolling his eyes and says ‘Look
who thinks he’s nothing!’
The quality of true humility must be almost an unconscious
attribute, or at least one must be exceedingly careful in adorning oneself with
it. Vanity often cloaks itself with
humility. If the quest for humility is
to avoid the endless sparring of social bragging and to pull away from all the
nonsense of comparisons, then it is indeed a ‘consolation devoutly to be wished’. But beware, soon your friends will be
describing you as humble. Then you may
find that you are inwardly thrilled to be praised in such a manner and make the
sad discovery that your humility has fled!
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