I heard a French podcast recently that explored the nature of male/female friendship and why it so rarely occurs. At first, I was skeptical, thinking that in this modern era the stereotype of men and women unable to be friends seemed outdated and could no longer be true.
Men and women seem more likely to forge strong platonic bonds before they get married or have long-term partners. Developing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex after one is married requires a high level of trust in the partner, not to mention a measure of fidelity in the one embarking on the friendship.
After all, the elephant in the room with any male/female friendship, if both are heterosexual (or even bi-sexual!), is the lurking possibility of infatuation. If one or both are physically attracted to the other, then a blossoming friendship can easily morph into a romantic attachment. Both parties may be strong enough in their own partner relationships to resist any significant expression of that infatuation, but the tension may still be there.
It is easy to fall into stereotyping the predisposition of male/female relationships to become difficult in this fashion. Perhaps it is hyperbole to presume that every male/female encounter has the potential to become an infatuation. But aren’t we programmed to seek out romantic partners? The fact that we may already have one may make us resolute in avoiding actual liaisons, but that does not mean that we are indifferent to the temptation or the desires that naturally occur.
If the early stages of a friendship are not accompanied by a physical attraction, then the friendship may be built on a purely platonic basis. But the danger of a future attraction still lurks. There are many examples of ‘friends’ becoming lovers over the course of time as a strong emotional or spiritual attraction slowly awakens the physical/chemical one.
Therefore, it is somewhat understandable that our culture looks askance at such seemingly innocent male/female activities as going out to dinner or meeting for lunch if one or both participants are married or in long-term relationships. Jealousy, that ‘green-eyed monster’, is always ready to rear its head even in the most solid relationships. And there is at least some justification for jealousy given the numerous instances of friendships becoming romantic and ending marriages.
The other side of the male/female friendship coin is the diminished value of being ‘just a friend’ in the eyes of many men and women. This is the infamous ‘friend zone’. For many, being perceived as a friend, i.e. not a potential romantic partner, is tantamount to being relegated to a lower status. It implies that you are not attractive enough to qualify for infatuation. This derails many potential male/female friendships in their early stages. And it raises the question: In every male/female friendship is there always one person who is slightly or even hugely disappointed that the relationship is not romantic?
Perhaps it is not surprising that male/female friendships tend to languish after one is married and few new ones are initiated. Most couples tend to focus on family and on a few friendships with other couples, where there seems to be less risk of temptation (though certainly not a guarantee!)
Once in a long-term partnership, most men and women only nurture the same sex friendships from their past, though even those friendships often stagnate due to the time demands of family and work. Male/female friendships, if they continue at all, are typically conducted as trios rather than duos, with the spouse included and watchful for any hint of danger!
This is the rather strange nature of friendship relationships between men and women. It matters not how old or how young one is, there is always the potential for fascination, leading to infatuation, leading to flirtation, leading to romance, leading to trouble. Does this mean that we are destined to never have fulfilling male/female friendships? Sadly, it seems so, and we are no doubt the poorer for it.
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